Chapter 3: The Brilliant Mind of the Dough Professor (Steed Loving)
"So, this is Pillsbury's lab?", asks Snoopy. "Yep, in all it's perpetual glory", replied Burglar. The lab was easliy the best looking thing in the whole village, that and Uma Thurman. I was made of some kind of non-melting ice, and was similar to Superman's Fortress of Solitude, except a lot smaller, and there were no superheroes lounging here, unless you count Pillsbury himself. He is the greatest scientist in history, though nobody would know that, since he was rather shy to the outside world. He can create a working jetpack almost out of thin air. That's how truly exuberant his skills are. Too bad.....
"Hey, Pills" says Burg. "What is it? Can't you see I'm busy?" Pillsbury asked, with a very thick german accent "I'm building a trans-dimensional teleporter". "How's it supposed to work?" Burglar asks with a hint of curiousity. "Well, it is supposed to send a person from one place to another in our world, using trans-dimensional teleportation. It's supposed to send a person to another dimension, that is the exact date and time as our's, just a different location, but so far, I've only been able to get it to send me back to this lab. This will be a thing of true beauty, once I get it to work. My greatest invention EVER!" Pillsbury exclaims. "Great, that could come in handy", says Burglar "We're gonna cra-" he's suddenly interrupted as Pillsbury hops up out of his chair, and tackles Snoopy. Snoopy punches Pills in the gut, and makes a run to the tool table. Pills grabs a hammer and smashes Snoopy in his left knee cap. Snoopy then turns his attention to Pills testicles, and instinctively bites them. Pills cries in pain, as Snoopy grabs the recently dropped hammer and smashes him in the face.
"What the fuck?!" yells Pills, in howling pain. "You fucking tackled me, you schiza fuck!". "I didn't know who were. I thought you were an intruder". "If I was an intruder, you ass would be dead, you stupid prick, but you're not dead, because you're gonna help us". Pills looks at Burglar "What the fuck do you assholes want?". Burglar replies "We need your fucking righteous brain, to help us take down Pepsi-Man". "You're with those pricks who came to collect on my debt. They won't take my kidney, my liver, my arm, and they sure as hell won't take my brain!" Pills pulls out a gun "I'll fucking kill myself before that happens!". "No! Don't. We aren't with the black market, we only need to use that machine to get back home, in case shit goes wrong while assassinating Pepsi-Man". "You stupid fucks are going at Pepsi? You might as well have me chop your cocks off, and mail them to him right now" Pills laughed. "Hey, I happen to be a damn proficient assassin" says Burglar, now slighty miffed. "Aw, yeah. I'll help you dicks..... be ripped off! Hahaha!" Pills continued laughing like a ham "I'll need to come with you, as I'm the only one with enough technical prowess to utilize a machine of this magnitude". "Sure, and his name is Snoopy, by the way" says Burglar.
"Hold on a sec...." says Pillsbury, as he walks towards the phone. He then dials a number; 'ring ring' 'ring ring'; "Hello, yeah, Pepsi-Man, hi, we're coming to kill you" the call disconnects. "What the holy mother of fuck was that for, asshole?!" Burglar yells. Snoopy rushes up over a chair standing between him and Pills, brings it falling in Pills direction, and pins him against a wall "You have some explaining to do" says Snoopy, in a calm voice "So start fucking explaining!" his voice changed tone. "I thought it would make it more fun. We will actually have a challenge now". "I've seen enemies in Doom 3 smarter than you" Snoopy yells at Pillsbury. "In any case, the ground is now out of the question" Burglar says "We need wings".
"Is your wing really not healed yet?" Burglar says to the crippled Derps. "Does it look healed? That little fuarck right there damn near ripped my goddamn wing off" "He's sorry" Burglar takes a piece of paper from Plato "See, look at this macaroni art that he made you" It was a perfectly crafted, middle finger. "You little bastard" Derps lunged at Plato, but retracted due to pain. "Hey Snoopy, look after Plato for a minute, I'm gonna try to convince her". Snoopy takes Plato outside.
Plato runs off towards the park. "Hey, wait up!" yells Snoopy, as he runs towards the fast little scamp. He follows Plato till he stops, and directs Snoopy to tree. Snoopy looks behind the tree, and notices a corpse that must have been here for weeks. That can only mean one thing..... that this park has some truly awful employees. "What the heck is this?" asks Snoopy "This is terrible, I have to te-" Plato was running toward the street "Oh, fuck, don't go out there, I'm coming!" Snoopy runs for the street, stops, looks both ways, and decides to cross. As he steps off the curb, his glasses fall off his head "Aw, stupid glasses". An huge diesel truck was in his lane. As he puts the glasses on his head, he notices the diesel truck just feet away, when something grabs him and pulls him towards the park. Flat on his back, he looks up to see a familiar unicorn. "Plato, you saved my life. You are now a bonified best friend for life" Plato rubs up against him, purring (because unicorns can totally do that). "Okay, let's go back and see if Burglar's had any luck".
You sure you're comfortable with" Burglar asks "You don't have to do this". "I'm deciding to take one for the team" Plushe says, as he's zipping up his bondage gear "You'll owe me for this". "Agreed" Plushe steps into Derps' hospital room. "I'm sorry for what's about to happen" says Burglar. in pity. The room door shuts. "Hey okay, I'm ready for thi- wait a minute! Is that a pe- mrmwmrwmrwrm" as his mouth zipper was.... zipped shut. "oh...... oh... oh, oh, oh, fuck yeah, motha-fucka! I'm coming!" cried Derps. A few minutes later.... Plushe walks out of the room, out of his deadklocked status, with a blank expression on his face, silent, and walks away, out of the hospital. "I'm healed!" yells Derps "Okay, I'll take you guys".
As Snoopy and Plato are walking back to the hospital, they notice Plushe "Hey Plushe, what's up?" Snoopy asks, unaware of the previous half-hour. Plushe approaches Snoopy, slowly, and says, in a deadpan tone: "The only thing up is my probability for committing suicide...... and that Pegasus' dick!".
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...of the Dough Professor (AKA Steed Loving). This is the third chapter of my 6 chapter first book in the Burglar Skullman series. Pillsbury has the greatest mind in existence, too bad he's a complete tool.